Disguises
by Deidara the Arrancar Alchemist
Summary: To steal the key to the Fountain of Youth, Jack must complete a terrifying mission. No, it’s not facing a horde of fierce monsters or a freakishly dangerous storm. It's the fact that he has to sneak into the enemy lair... as a woman. Interested? ;D
1. Chapter 1

_Let me just say I had no idea what the hell was going through my mind when I came up with this idea. I was both sniggering and cringing as I wrote this. This is supposedly set around the time of On Stranger Tides. Let's just assume that Jack found Barbossa, the crew and his precious Pearl. Also, the town of Sinstra is entirely fictional, as are any random OCs. Oh, and a big thank you to Chaos and Mayhem for beta-ing this for me! Hope you enjoy this absurd story! _

Chapter I

"So, this is the place?" asked Jack, peering through his spyglass. "You read the charts correctly?"

"Aye, I be certain of it." confirmed Barbossa as he leaned on the rail, studying the challenge they'd have to overcome.

Fire engulfed the sky. Deep gold, amber and burgundy arched up into the yawning purple chasm of night as the sun sank lower and lower, melting into the horizon like an orb of molten glass. The rolling sea was black and as slick as oil, but a hot white where the sunlight glinted off the waves. Rocking with the tide was the _Black Pearl_, a shadow against the dusk.

A few hundred feet away, a towering cliff sliced up out of the sea and faced the _Pearl_, leering at it almost in threat. A scattering of little houses marched up the cliff, cowering under the huge mansion that sat at the highest point. The buildings looked decrepit and crumbling, and it would have looked like a ghost town if there weren't lights in the windows.

"Charming little place," commented Jack, snapping the spyglass shut. "And I assume this all important item is being kept in that mansion at the top of the hill, eh?"

"You assume correctly, Sparrow. Venganzara will have the Key on him at all times if he's not a fool, and it's likely he's not one."

"Ah, this reminds me so much of when I had to find the key to Davy Jones' chest," sighed Jack half nostalgically, half sarcastically. "Good times, eh?"

"I wouldn't know, what with me bein' dead at the time." Barbossa answered with a glare.

"So you were," grinned Jack, "All we need to do is break into the mansion, swipe the Key from under Venganzara's nose, and hightail out of there. It's such a shame that we didn't know about the Key before we found the location of the Fountain, savvy? We could have spent less time rushing around the Caribbean and more time being immortal."

Barbossa grunted in agreement.

When Jack, Barbossa and the crew of the _Black Pearl_ had finally found where the legendary Fountain of Youth was concealed, their hearts had beat fast with anticipation, palms sweaty and mouths dry, desperate to take a sip of the invigorating water and immortality. They'd travelled miles upon miles and sliced through hordes of ungodly monsters and rivals searching for the Fountain.

But there hopes had been brutally dashed when they discovered they could go no further. They were met by a sheer rock face with not even the tinniest notch to use as a handhold or the narrowest crack to squeeze through. They'd walked around the cliff's perimeter and discovered that it lead them around in a circle with the Fountain guarded behind the impenetrable walls. There was only one clue to how they were supposed to reach the Fountain: a single, small rectangle carved into the stone with a crude etching of a key above it.

"Well, at least they were nice enough to leave a clue." Jack had shrugged, and then received a smack around the back of the head from Barbossa.

Barbossa had consulted the charts, twirling the dials around with his long fingers. The map altered slightly and new words had melted out from the charts. To his utmost dismay and annoyance, Barbossa worked out that they first needed a key to enter. He'd cursed himself and Jack for not noticing this little hiccup earlier.

The riddle that appeared on the charts told them that the key was in the constant possession of a Guardian who dwelled in a town called Sinstra. They'd learned the man was known as Venganzara, and was not one to suffer fools easily and had a dark, mysterious reputation. But this wasn't much of a problem to the crew of the _Black Pearl_, as they'd faced far more deadly foes.

And so at long last, here was the last hurdle to leap. They just had to steal the Key.

**

Half an hour later, most of the crew had piled into the boats and were rowing to the cliffs. The waves sought to dash their boats against the jagged rocks piercing out of the water, but they managed to avoid crashing into them and pulled up on a tiny strip of gravely sand, lines gouged into the cold damp silt as they dragged their little vessels up to shore.

"Remember the plan, mates," murmured Barbossa, withdrawing his pistol from his belt. "We're to sneak up to the mansion and storm it. Whoever finds Venganzara, be sure to take the Key off him, 'else there'll be a floggin' for yer stupidity."

"Any questions?" Jack asked. None had any, so Jack continued: "Well, let's get going."

The men drew their swords softly, the metal gently scraping the scabbards, whilst other's cocked their guns. Gibbs took a swift swig of rum from his water skin before turning to Jack and muttering: "Think this'll be easy, Captain?"

"Of course" Jack replied, as if the answer was obvious.

The crew scampered up the slippery stairs cut into the cliff face, and panting slightly at the top, found themselves on the outskirts of the town. A wooden wall with wicked staves topping them blocked the way further, the gates guarded by a group of twelve men idly leaning on their rifles or chatting amongst themselves. But they snapped to attention when the crew of the _Black Pearl_ suddenly leapt from the undergrowth with coarse battle cries. Barbossa pulled the trigger of his pistol and a bullet smashed through one the guard's heads and snapping it back. More gunfire punctured holes in the men and the pirates cheered – now to open the gates and run to the mansion.

However, jubilation suddenly turned to shock and horror. The men picked themselves up, ignoring the blood gushing from their shredded wounds, and aimed their rifles at the advancing pirates. Too late, the crew staggered to a halt.

Ten men fell down like puppets whose strings had been cut, screaming as the ammunition tore through their bodies. Jack clashed swords with one of the guard's, steel screeching on the impact as they slid over each other. Jack gritted his teeth as he tried to force the enemy blade away from him, but they were surprisingly stronger than they looked. He almost dropped his sword at what happened next.

The man before him appeared to warp and shift, like a reflection rippling on water. His eyes smouldered and a husky growl escaped his mouth, his flesh melting into shadows. Jack's eye widened in alarm, as the thing before him was no longer a man but a monster. He punched the creature in the face, knocking it away before plunging his sword through its gut. But his sword just sliced through immaterial gloom, as silent and ineffective as trying to cut up air.

Jack stumbled back and saw that the other guards had also shed their human skins, and the crew were dropping like flies. Barbossa caught his eye and nodded fiercely when Jack nudged his head to one side in an obvious request to retreat.

"Back ter the ship!" Barbossa yelled. The men gladly obliged, practically fleeing the skirmish. Jack glanced behind and saw the guard resume their humanoid forms, returning to their same relaxed composure as before the battle, calmly removing the corpses of the crew out of the road as if they were no more than branches blocking the way.

**

"Well, that was a complete disaster!" Jack said. "That's the last time we follow one of your plans, Hector."

"It wasn't my plan!" he retorted.

"I'm sure it was," Jack replied. "Mine would be much more elaborate and clever and actually work."

Barbossa glared at Jack, who returned it with fierce onyx eyes.

"So, what now?" said Gibbs.

"We think of a plan," said Jack. "A proper one."

Barbossa suddenly let out a cry of triumph, making Jack jump. "Wait here, lads! I've got an idea!" He cackled before limping off quickly into the captain's cabin. Jack, Pintel and Ragetti followed when Barbossa called them in.

"I've been thinking long n' hard, gents, and there be only one way we can go 'bout this" declared Barbossa, puffing up his chest importantly.

"And would you like to divulge to us your ingenious and fool-proof little master plan?" inquired Jack.

"Aye." murmured Barbossa seriously. He turned around and rummaged for something in a trunk. Pintel and Ragetti craned their necks to see what their captain was doing. Jack felt a smile twitch his lips._ This should be good__,_ he thought.

Then Barbossa spun around with a flourish, something large and voluminous in his hands. Jack's smile slipped off his face like butter down a pan. All three pirates froze as they stared at what Barbossa held, struck dumb.

"One of ye must wear this" Barbossa said. He held the object aloft.

It was a dress.

And not just any dress. It was the one Elizabeth wore when she was taken hostage on the _Pearl_ after Port Royal was attacked. The crimson fabric was a vivid warning in the old salt's gnarled fists.

Jack snorted and laughed. "This is it? Your big scheme? And what good will come from one of us fine gentlemen prancing around in that unflattering article of clothing, other than making us the laughing stock of the crew as well as the memory searing our reputation as fearsome pirates for all eternity?"

Barbossa's eyes flickered from the dress to Jack. "This 'ere be a disguise. If we charge in there with our cutlasses drawn and pistols cocked, we'd be shot ter bloody tatters before yer could say "move yer scrawny arses yer poxy curs." However, if we go inside with a disguise, we've more a chance of stealin' what we need."

"But why a woman?" asked Pintel.  
"We could 'ave gone in disguised as somethin' else" added Ragetti.

"Nay, a lady be the best," said Barbossa. "As yer heard, Venganzara is holding a little party in the mansion and he'll be expecting every fine maiden there."

"Sounds like a fairy tale." Jack muttered.

Barbossa ignored him and continued. "Also, no one suspects a lady to commit crimes of devious nature."

"Fine, have it your way," said Jack. "But I think the question on everyone's mind is who will be doing said crime of devious nature, savvy?"

"Oh, I think I know who it'll be." said Barbossa airily. He stared at Jack for an awfully long moment, a smile creeping up on his weathered features. Jack frowned, turned, and when he saw no one behind him, his mouth fell open.

_Gasp! What madness will happen next? ;) Hope you liked this first chapter, because I have chapter two waiting to be posted. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Aha! It's chapter two. Now, this is where it gets really out of control. But please do enjoy. Thanks for all your lovely reviews – you really made my day! Oh, and another thanks to Chaos and Mayhem for beta-ing this chapter!_

Chapter II

"You can't be serious!" Jack said in horror, his face paling.

"Oh, but I am." smirked Barbossa, unable to restrain a wicked cackle of amusement.

Pintel and Ragetti doubled over in laughter, tears starting to slip from their scrunched up eyes.

Jack scowled and snarled, before he turned his nose up and huffed, crossing his arms. "Never, ever am I going to be seen in that atrocious garment. I'd rather shave off all me hair than wear that- that - thing!"

"Well, we're goin' to have to cut off some of yer hair anyways, Jack," chuckled Barbossa. "'Else yer tangle of dreadlocks is goin' ter show under this pretty wig ye'll be wearin'." With an evil grin, Barbossa held up a wig of long, wavy ebony hair and tossed it into Jack's face.

Jack shrieked as it fell on his face and tickled his skin menacingly, tearing it off him and throwing it away in disgust as if it was a plague-ridden rat. He staggered back and shook his head as Barbossa threw back his head and laughed.

"You can't do this to me!" Jack protested. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! Please, I'm begging you to spare me from this overwhelming humiliation, Hector!" He fell to his knees and shuffled over to Barbossa with his hands together, pleading. The old captain blinked in alarm at the desperation in Jack's wide brown eyes. But he shook his head nonetheless.

"Nay, Jack. Yer know yer the only candidate fer the role. Would yer rather one of 'em put on that frilly frock?" Here he jabbed his head in the direction of Pintel and Ragetti, whose laughter slowly subsided into uneasy looks of fear.

"We already been in ladies' clothes before!" cried Pintel, his yellow eyes wide.

"Yeah, when we was still cursed 'n all," nodded Ragetti in agreement. "When we had to trick them marines on _The Dauntless_."

"And yer know we wasn't any help to yer, Captain" said Pintel.

"Looked nice though." shrugged Ragetti, who then shrunk under Pintel's glare.

"And it's not as if I would be wearin' that dress," said Barbossa. He smirked and tilted his head smugly. "I be far too imposin' and manly to be wearin' something like that."

"Not to mention you'd be so ugly that the guards would faint at the mere sight of you," piped up Jack, getting to his feet. "That might actually be better; you could sneak in, scare the living daylights out of everyone and-"

He was cut off as Barbossa snarled and cuffed him around the head, Jack ducking as the blow missed.

"No offence, mate" said Jack with a weak grin. Then the fear returned to him as he gazed at the innocent dress as it was a deadly beast. "But, why me?"

"Fer a start, ye could easily pass as a lady if ye were clean-shaven," smirked Barbossa. "What with those dainty hands and big brown eyes." Barbossa batted his eyelashes (if he had any) at Jack tauntingly.

Jack wrinkled his nose and scowled. "Not true!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Well how about that fancy swagger of yer's," smirked Barbossa. "The way yer swish yer hips as ye strut about. If that ain't feminine, then I'm a monkey's uncle." He cackled again, and the other two pirates sniggered in agreement.

Jack's lips twisted as he snarled, anger welling up inside as his pride was jabbed at with sharp cruel taunts. Then his shoulders slumped sadly; was that really what people thought of him? That he wasn't a dashing, charming and roguishly handsome pirate, and instead was a silly, feminine eunuch?

"Technically you are a monkey's uncle" Jack muttered darkly when the monkey that shared his name scampered onto Barbossa's shoulder. But the captain didn't seemed to have heard him.

"So, we have an accord?" Barbossa smirked, wiping a tear from his blue eye.

Jack twisted his fingers around distractedly. "Swear that you won't tell a soul about this embarrassing affair."

"I swear" nodded Barbossa.

"Fine then" sighed Jack, snatching the dress from Barbossa's clutches and walking behind the wooden screen he had in the far corner of the cabin.

"I'd rather … change, alone and away from your comments" Jack snarled. He heard a few sniggers as the other three pirates left him to change, and cursed them all one hundred times.

**

He stared long and hard at the dress before him. It was soft and smooth in his hands, a dark, seductive red like the colour of blood on a vampire's lips. He remembered Elizabeth in this dress, and then how she'd stripped off till she was in naught but a simple white undergarment. He was surprised it was still on his ship, as he'd never come across it since becoming captain of the _Pearl _again. He wondered where Barbossa found it, or was hiding it, all this time.

As he took off his weaponry, his coat and hat, then slipped out of his torn tunic shirt and rough trousers, he shuddered. The word "why" was all he could think about. Why was he cursed to wear this infernal thing? Why couldn't there be another alternative? Why was there no rum around when he needed it most?

After much cringing and wincing, he slipped into the dress and instantly felt like a fool. If Jack had any dignity before, it was all but gone now. He dared not look at himself in the mirror, afraid at the nightmare he'd seen reflected before him. He simply couldn't bear it. But he risked a brief look down at himself.

Jack was very alarmed that the dress seemed to fit him fine. Did that mean he had a similar figure to Elizabeth? He shuddered again.

His boots poked out from under the rippling material, so he pulled them off and found his feet hidden under the dress. He didn't fill up the chest, so he guessed he would have to pad that area out to make his disguise more convincing. He then groaned weakly and the thought of having to pretend to have female anatomy.

He jumped when the cabin doors opened and he heard Barbossa stride in. "Oh, Jack?" he sung tauntingly. "Are ye ready to come out?"

Jack took in a huge gulp of air to steady himself. Bloody hell, he couldn't go out there! His heart smashed against his ribs as the heat rushed up like the breath of a volcano to his face. He thought he was going to be sick.

"I-I don't think so, mate" Jack stammered.

"Pull yerself together!" he heard Barbossa snarl. "Are ye a man, or are you the lady ye disguised as? If ye don't come out, I'll just pull that screen down."

"Alright, alright!" snapped Jack, sighing.

He cautiously peered around the screen, and saw Barbossa standing there with his arms folded over his chest, his face serious. Jack then stepped out and revealed his disguise.

There was a long awkward moment. Then Barbossa's eyes widened and he snickered, shaking his head.

Jack moaned and hid his face behind his hands.

Barbossa's laughter died away. "Ye might not believe this, Jack, but ye don't look too bad."

"And I'm the Queen of Sheba." Jack growled.

"Nay!" cried Barbossa stepping forward. "It actually suits yer a little. The colour compliments yer skin tone, as it were."

"Shut it" Jack said bluntly.

"Fine, fine" said Barbossa, smirking.


	3. Chapter 3

_OMG! I've neglected this story for ages! But I have returned,! And I can honestly say I have missed the POTC fandom; you guys are a lot nicer than the other fandoms I've been exploring recently *grumbles incoherently* I promise to update more frequently now. So, onwards with the next ,belated chapter!_

Chapter III

"Now," said Barbossa, gleefully rubbing his dry hands together. "Ready for the next step?"

Jack recoiled a little from the old captain. That impious glint in his dead eyes was rather disturbing. He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying tormenting Jack. Stranger still, he seemed to be enjoying the whole dressing-up-like-a-lady act. Jack half wished that when he shot the bastard that he stayed dead.

"Go on then," Jack snarled. "Do your worst."

"With pleasure" Barbossa replied, and with a lighting-fast action his hand darted out and grasped Jack's dreadlocks.

Jack yelped in pain as the old pirate's coarse fingers yanked at his hair, his scalp screaming in protest. He spluttered a volley of curses as Barbossa crossed the room and pulled him staggeringly along with him.

"What the bloody hell are you doing!" Jack yelled, trying to twist his head out of Barbossa's firm grip.

Barbossa ignored him and shoved him forward, and Jack stumbled forward and collapsed into a chair so hard that it tilted back dangerously before jerking back upright again. Jack was about to stand up when Barbossa roughly prodded him in the chest and made him fall back into his seat.

"Sit down," Barbossa ordered, hobbling over to a cabinet on the other side of the room. "And stay there."

"Since when did you 'ave the right to tell me what to do?" Jack growled, a hand flying to his hip where a sword used to hang. He was disappointed when his fingers only met the silken fabric of the dress he was wearing, and he scowled in frustration. Where was a weapon when you needed it?  
"Since yer signed up fer this assignment," Barbossa replied, turning back round with a pair of scissors gleaming wickedly in the half-light like the scythe of the grim reaper, ready to announce judgement on hair follicles.

Jack's face fell in horror and he paled. "I changed me mind, mate! Surely there must be another way around this tricky mess; maybe we could turn the Pearl around and come back later, eh?"

"Ah, just yer trap," Barbossa growled, striding around the back of the chair. The scissors clicked threateningly, like the mandibles of a beetle. "Now, 'old still."

A bead of sweat slipped down Jack's forehead, his chest rising and falling sharply. The metal shears crept closer and a ray of light flashed over the blades. The tip touched his hair and-  
"I can't do this!" Jack shrieked, leaping to his feet and dashing across the room as if the devil himself and itself was upon him. He tripped over the hem of the dress and smacked face first to the floor, but didn't hesitate to push himself up again and run towards the door. He hurdled straight at it and crashed into the wooden surface, the door jerking forward at the impact but refusing to open.

"Let me out!" Jack yelled, hammering his fists on the wood and his sweaty hands scrabbling and slipping over the door handles. "Open up! Let me out!"  
A huge shadow stretched over him, blocking out the light. Jack froze and very slowly turned his head round, glancing out of the corner of his eye.  
Barbossa towered over him, hands on his hips and his dead eyes glaring down at him and seemingly through his very soul. His face was all in shadow but the light of the cabin blazed around him, his hat huge and proud on his head.

"Yer not going anywhere" he said in a low grating voice, leaning in with his eyes blazing.  
Jack shrunk under his gaze and his brown eyes grew huge within their sockets. Barbossa's hand stretched out for him, and Jack screamed again.  
Outside on deck, Pintel and Ragetti were hovering outside the Captain's cabin, Ragetti adding the finishing touches to his new wooden eye as he carefully scrapped at it with a knife.  
"How long are they gonna be in there?" Pintel huffed.  
"Dunno," Ragetti shrugged. "I wonders what's takin' em so long?"  
A sudden thud rocked the ship and the two pirates were thrown off their feet with yelps of suprise. Ragetti's eye slipped from his fingers and scuttled across the deck, rolling down a hole in the deck and out of sight.  
"Me eye!" Ragetti wailed.  
Pintel got to his feet with a grumble and looked at the Captain's cabin. His eyebrows rose as a muffled "NOO!" came from within, followed by a few disturbing thuds and grunts. The other crew members paused in their work to stare at the doors with mouths agape and eyes pulled wide.  
"Please Hector, stop!" came Jack's shriek.  
"Stop movin' around!" was Barbossa's growled reply. "Or I'll have ter tie yer down!"

"Get off me!" Jack snarled. Another collection of odd noises followed.  
Pintel and Ragetti turned very slowly to look at each other. No words were exchanged but they knew exactly what the other was thinking.  
"Could they be…?" Ragetti spluttered, leaving his sentence hanging in the air. His visible eye was huge and his tongue moved about his mouth as if he had just tasted something disgusting.  
Pintel was silent for a few seconds. Then he let out a short laugh and said "Nah. They, they couldn't…" he froze and wrinkled his nose. "Roight?"  
They both turned to look back at the doors and found that the noises had stopped. They heard Barbossa sigh and his tired voice. "There, it's done."

The crew were still paralysed, some swaying in mid air just by a rope, some with a sodden rag clenched in their hands and dribbling water onto the wood, others with a foot half-way to the floor and frozen as if playing musical statues.  
Gibbs shook himself with a grunt, his jowls quivering, a took a swig of rum. "Alright, lads, get back to work!" he barked, and as if waking up from a spell the crew snapped back into action. Gibbs shivered again and took another long gulp from his hipflask.  
Meanwhile, back inside the Captain's cabin, Jack was on his knees and bending over a mound of glossy black hair, the trinkets and beads that were sewn into it gleaming inside the sea of ebony like jewels from a magpie's nest. Jack scooped up a few strands with softly shaking hands and let them fall through his fingers.  
"A life time's worth of memories" he murmured. It was going to take an awfully long time to grow his hair back to his original length, and twice as long to sew each bead back in its rightful place. He sighed and stood up again, wheeling round to face Barbossa, his dark eyes flashing like lightning. "Never, ever, are you gonna do that to me again. And this plan of yours had better work, or I'll, I'll…" He snarled and jabbed a finger between the grizzled old captain's eyes. "Your not immortal anymore, mate. So just you watch your back."

Barbossa grunted, unperturbed. "Whatever yer say, Jack." He limped off and muttered under his breath "All this fuss over a haircut."

Jack stooped down and picked out each bead and jewel and trinket and put them in a drawer for safe keeping. He saw a silver plate nearby and snatched it up, staring at his reflection. It was like a stranger was staring back at him. His face was the same, but the short, spiky black locks were a foreign and unwelcome look. He gingerly touched a tuft of it. "I don't like it" he grumbled.  
"Yer gotta sort out yer beard too" Barbossa pointed out.  
"I can do that meslef!" Jack growled.

A few minutes later, Jack was stroking his bare chin with a frown on his face. All of this wasn't right. In a way, he felt like he was a youth again, with his dreadlocks yet to be formed and the first sprinkle of stubble sprouting on his face.

"Here" Barbossa said, and tossed that dreaded ladies wig at him. Scowling, Jack snatched it out of the hair and regarded it with distain. Honestly, the lengths a pirate had to go through for the sake of immortality were ridiculous. Why couldn't these ancient treasures be easier to obtain? Why couldn't people leave them in a simple, curse-free place with a sign saying "Here's the reward, do what you want with it, have a nice day"?  
"Put it on," Barbossa said. "And be quick about it. Time's running short and we've got an adventure ahead."

_Sorry if my writing wasn't up to the best standard but I was kind of in a rush when I wrote this. Honestly, I think this is the weirdest fanfiction I've ever written…but it's also been the funnest! There's only one more chapter of torture and then the real adventure begins! Apologies for the extremely slow update, but next time it will be faster._


End file.
